Thank you for reading my journal. I know there are only a few (or probably a couple) of people who read my journal. Still, I appreciate you a lot. It feels darn good to realize that there are at least a couple of people out there who care about what I have to say. Of course, I probably maintain this journal mainly for myself – sometimes I have thoughts that I like but that vanish from my head as time goes by. By recoding them in this journal, I preserve them at least temporary. It’s not that I think that my thoughts are so valuable that they must be carved in stone for the generations to come. The thing is that by writing my thoughts down I do some sort of benchmarking that will allow me to track my progress through life. You know, some times I like to go back and think about who you were in the past and who you are now.
Speaking about going back in life – today I’ve done a lot of this. You see, I logged onto my Yahoo mail account in order to send a few emails to my friends and family members. After doing this, I realized that my mail account is almost full and people who write me will soon be getting this nasty, automatically generated “message could not be delivered” emails. So I decided to clean it up.
I do this approximately once or twice a year. And, by doing this, I immerse myself into the reflection and meditation process. You see, in order to clean my account up I had to go to the very beginning of the inbox, meaning that I had to go a couple of years back in my life. And guess what – my life was pretty different from what I have now.
First of all, it was nice to re-read all the love letters from my extremely romantic (and a bit insane) girlfriend from two years ago. At the same time, it was a bit said… You see, when I was cleaning up my Netscape mail account a few years ago, I went through love letters of THREE (!) distinct girls. Now I have love letters from only one girl (who was a bit insane). Now, that’s says a lot about the level of my romantic activities over the last few years. Yep, it exhibits a disappointing downward trend!
Secondly, I went through several business-related emails. And I found that two years ago my business communication skills were a bit better in terms of me being concise and to the point. Now I write as Leo Tolstoy – using very complex sentences that are probably not used at all in modern English. Moreover, I saw that back then I was very nice to people I dealt with. Much nicer that I’m now. In one of the emails I apologize before a girl for being rude in my previous email. Luckily, I was able to read what I wrote in that previous email (the girl hit reply and did not delete the content of my previous messages). Anyway, what I did in that “rude” email, I basically told her to hurry up with her part of our team project. And she replied with a “don’t-tell-me-what-to-do” email. Not only I didn’t insult her in return, I decided to apologize(!). So, this gives you a good idea of how nice (and, probably, wise) I was back then. Well, it’s not that I’m cursing people in my email nowadays! I just care less about their feelings.
You know, it’s really interesting how I compare my life in the past with my current life… Only a couple of years go I would look back into my life and I would say to myself, “damn, I was such a fool!”. But for the past few years I no longer consider myself a foolish boy. I look back and see a young men who not only worked hard, but who also had room in his heart and in his mind for other people. It’s interesting that my social skills have improved dramatically over the past few years, but the quality of my social life, on the contrary, has decreased. I think that this observation proves the fact that people are not emotionally blind. No matter how much you smile and how many nice words you say to people, if you are not sincere, if you don’t actually allocate for them some room in your heart – they will feel it will avoid being around you.
This “post-modern” view of myself may be a bit biased though. You see, the last year and a half of my life has been terrible and the level of my self-esteem has probably declined a bit. Or may be not. At this point of time I think that I have grown a lot professionally but probably degraded a bit as a human-being.
Another interesting thing about cleaning your email account, is that you have to decided which emails to keep and which ones to deleted. One clear trend was noticed after deleting all messages from my previous work and all messages from my insane girlfriend: I would never delete messages from my family members. Gosh, I love them so much. Now I know that at times when I lose sense in life, all I have to do is to think about them. Their very existence adds sense to my life. Even if I lose everything, I will never “quit” my life, since my family constitutes the most important sense of my life.